11 more days until Dance Marathon. 4 months until I graduate. 2 hours until I need to be at my next meeting. It's like I am always counting down. But why? and what for? Yeah I like to be punctual but other than that am I really getting the most out of the present time if I am always counting? I don't know why this has struck me so hard lately and has made me think a lot about what I am counting towards. It's like I try to squeeze as much as I possibly can into as little time as possible. I like feeling accomplished and I like scratching things off my list. But for some reason the waking up and making a schedule for the day, better yet- the rest of my life, is kinda making me mad. And the fact that I have been getting so irritated has made me question a lot.
There are so many tiny little things that happen each day that I never even take time to notice. Beautiful things that are intended for us to take note of and to take joy from. Most of the time, I discredit so many things. I get mad that I have to take time to study for two tests that I have this week. But when I get to the heart of it and actually think about it in a different sense other than my selfishness, I get mad at myself for getting irritated in the first place. I am LUCKY that I get to take these tests. Yeah I think I'm weird for saying that too but think about it. How cool is it that we have a brain that can even comprehend half of the things that we learn in school. Now I am by no means a genius and there are plenty of things we are 'supposed' to learn in school that I just mentally can't. But the fact that my brain is going through so many chemical processes right now just for me to type this is beyond my level of comprehension. It's a miracle, there really isn't any other way to describe it. I did absolutely nothing to make my brain be able to do those things. Nor did I do anything to deserve it. It's things like that that I never even take a second to be thankful for.
I guess what it boils down to is being thankful for yesterday and the things I learned. There are things I would do differently and for that I am grateful. I get to learn to be better. I am thankful for today for being able to try and be that better person. So why keep counting down the days when I should be busy counting my blessings? I know I'm kind of rambling but I just get so bogged down with the lists and the schedules and the meetings that it is so easy to forget about the millions of miracles going on each second. I just wish it wasn't something that I had to consciously make myself think of to be thankful for. I want to be able to do it like it's second nature. Because really those miracles make up who we are. I am LUCKY to be here right now. I am LUCKY to get to go to a meeting tonight and to spend time with great people. I am LUCKY that I get to worship my beautiful God by taking a test because I GET to use my knowledge that HE gave me. He didn't have to do that at all, but he did. I know you all think I am crazy for saying this because it sounds crazy to me too. I am just sick of being sick of school, so why not try and turn it around a bit and realize what we really are doing here. He gave us breath, so what do we do? We give it back to him by using turning our breathe into speech to build up others, speak his name and to do GOOD. I want every act to be me responding to the miracles he gives me. I don't want to keep counting hours until I get to do the next step in my life- I need to be taking each hour for what it is and not as a step closer to what's next.
I just got done reading a book called Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist and if you haven't read it, I strongly encourage it. One quote that I have thought about ever since I finished was one that read "but really a lot of the people God uses to do amazing things are people who don't necessarily have it all together." Amen sister.
I am the last person to admit that I have it all together and the first to admit that I am a mess. I have nothing quite together and it's probably safe to say that it is continually falling apart. BUT- I have to remember to be THANKFUL (right Katherine Medlock?). I think that I am always trying to do these big extravagant things in my life to make sure that I am doing something amazing and that I am making a difference. But I am starting to take a different look at things and realize that it isn't about the big things and it isn't about having it all together. And thank goodness for that otherwise we would all be in trouble. I am thankful that my world is always rocked because without it I would never become better.
Tip-get a friend like I have (cough-Katherine Medlock) to always text you THANKFUL whenever you complain. It really does kinda work. Thankful for you kitty.
