I'd Settle for a Slowdown

These past few months have been quite the whirlwind. I haven't stopped for a second and I love every bit of it more than I thought I would. No I'm not ready to settle down, in any sense of the word. Maybe it's not that I'm not ready, but more of the fact that I simply don't have time. Every aspect of my life right now is up in the air and has a big question mark after it. And I'm learning in the strangest ways, that not knowing what that question mark is going to turn in to is OK. It's actually kind of freeing if you think about it. Nothing holding me back and anything in my midst. But what I have been challenged with lately is the idea of settling. I can tell you one thing and that is if I have grown into anything the past few years, it's that I want to fully experience everything that this world has to offer. I can't wait to travel when I can, land a dream job, have a family. But it is so scary to try and go in any direction with anything by how many times we hear "don't settle." For whatever it may be: a relationship, a salary, etc. The list is endless. What I have been thinking about endlessly is what do these "things" that we settle for then mean about everything else? Saying we deserve "better" means that we are above. Having this mindset discredits people. It discredits things. 

News flash: we deserve absolutely nothing.

I can carry that weight because I love my father and know that I gain the most undeserved prize and treasure of knowing Jesus and of knowing that I will be with Him for eternity. Knowing that doesn't stop my human brain for being selfish and always wanting more. More of earth and what it has to offer. I want a family and shoot I even want a dang good salary. But what I am being challenged to do as I have one year left before I enter into the "real world" is to settle. Sounds crazy, especially because looking at my life, I have nothing to settle with. But when I get to the heart of it, I do. Oh do I have so much to settle with.

Google (the answer to everything) states the definition of settle to be this: (verb) to adopt a more steady or secure style of life, esp. in a permanent job and home.

I read that and can't help but slap myself across the face for a wake up call. What are we living for if we aren't settling for Jesus. Settling down has never looked so good or sounded so sweet. I don't believe this means that my life will all of a sudden become boring or inadequate because I think in our heart of hearts those that follow a life for Jesus do this already. It just so happens that we forget it and we start to chase after other things that seem more important or desirous because of its tangibility and accessibility. My prayer for anyone that reads this is that you run faster to Jesus in hopes that you start to walk away from our other loves. I don't think this means that my other dreams of settling won't come true. Because I know with everything in me that they will because of His promise. No matter what my heart continues to change and be molded. I am so thankful. 

With Thanksgiving around the corner, my challenge is to be thankful for what I have, but to also be okay with letting those things go. Of course I want everything that's special to me to be in my life for forever and always, but I also want to be so unbelievably confident in my love for Christ that I know I will survive without anything but Him. That settling for Him and only Him will be my guide and my path to the things of the world that He chooses to bless me with. I know this is a concept that everyone may be told time and time again and may be living it to the full. But it's hard and I'm okay admitting that because I think it makes life a little harder when we act like it's not. But I want it. I want it bad. And I want to continue to strive for it. My crazy soul longs to be going non stop all the time. But I want my crazy soul to take a halt. God has proven over and over in every story in every life, that His way is more beautiful than anything we could come up with on our own. Our stories are apart of THE story and I don't want to be spinning out of control too long for my own desires to miss the beauty in it. 

"By being rooted in these truths, my life is an overflow of how good my God is." - Julia Tarter

Tonight is one of those nights where I can't get Julia out of my head. And to be honest, I hope I forever think about her this much and that I will have countless nights like this. For those of you who knew Julia, I know you know what I mean. And for those of you who didn't, I hope you have grown to love her and love Jesus through everything you have seen and heard about her. Julia was unlike anyone I ever met. She had a way of finding that special place in your heart and making herself right at home. You see, Julia and I had this way of talking where we both talked at the same time. We both just always had so much to say to one another that we didn't see the need to wait. We knew what we both were saying and we didn't even have to take a breath. The snaps were enough for us to know that we were still following one another. It was incredible. Lots of hand motions and lots and lots of snaps. Looking back, I can see her most clearly saying "God is SO good." I see her mannerisms with it and it brings a smile to my face every time. She had a way of bringing out the best in people and she showed everyone she met what a life lived solely for the Lord looks like. Even though she was two years younger than me, I looked up to her ever since the first time we hit the dance floor together. Getting the chance to walk with Julia for the past two years gives me that much more confidence that our God is good. I can say whole heartedly that I know Jesus loves me because he gave me her friendship and showed me her spirit. 

Back in February, I nominated Julia for a student award. Reading this nomination again, I still mean every word. But reading it now, I realize that I have learned much more from Julia than I thought I had...

Yes, Julia is all of these things and then some. But if you notice, I didn't mention Christ once in this email. I didn't give Julia justice in her nomination because I didn't talk about the one thing that meant the most to her, her love for Jesus. Why is that? As I was transitioning to a new town and a new school last week, I was cleaning out my emails when I found this. The absense of Christ's name was the first thing I noticed. I have read this over and over since then, trying to remember why my fingers never typed out the one sentence that explains Julia in a nutshell. As most of you who know her, you probably have done the same thing I have and you have gone back and read all your texts, facebook messages, etc. that you had with Julia. I bet you have read all of her tweets and boy does that gets your heart pumping and a smile on your face. It has honestly become one of my favorite past times. And the reason is because there is so much of Jesus involved in every conversation. I can hear Julia saying "God is SO good" again as I type this out. I see it in our messages, and I hear it in her voice. But what I can't wrap my mind around is why I didn't mention her love for Jesus in an email that was trying to explain who exactly Julia was. What Julia has taught me is that there is so much power in the name of Jesus and that shouldn't be kept a secret from anyone. Whether it be in a conversation or in a simple email, we must be bold. We have to be willing to stand up for what we love. We love Jesus, so why do we shy away from sharing it at times?

I absolutely adore my community. I am who I am because of them and I really learned what community truly means the past few weeks. It looks a lot like holding each other and saying nothing when nothing can be said. And it means a whole lot of prayer. It means a simple hand squeeze and it means driving a few hours just to be together when our world has stopped. It was so easy for us to talk about our love for Christ when we were all together because we are of the same mind and of the same heart. So why is it that when I am emailing a stranger, I didn't mention it at all? I remember contemplating whether or not I should say that she loves Jesus with her whole heart because I knew without a doubt she did, as did everyone in her presence, but I didn't. And I don't know why. I wish I could remember what was going through my head in that moment. I can remember exactly where I was on campus, but I can't remember why I didn't mention Jesus. It wasn't because I didn't think it was worth saying, but it was because I was timid. It's hard for me to even admit this now because I feel ashamed that I hid Jesus from someone, and Julia's love for Jesus. But what I can say is that from now on, I will celebrate Julia and celebrate my love for our Jesus by continuously being bold and continuously proclaiming the GOOD news because our God is SO good. Julia said this every chance she could and she meant it every time. I pray that through Julia's life, we can celebrate how special she was to each of us BECAUSE of how bold she was. Her love and joy gave her that boldness and I will forever be grateful for Julia teaching me this simple truth. 

Julia, the main member of my book club and Twerk Team, has taught me a lot in the two years I knew her. But she will continue to teach me for the rest of my life. And until I get to dance with her again in heaven with Jesus, I will dance and rejoice in the fact that she is with our Savior and she is teaching Him how to do "the Julia" (the world's most advanced dance move). I miss not being able to hug Julia again and the thought sometimes drives me crazy, but I can rest in the fact that I will see her again, and until that day, I pray that you dance with so much life that your neck hurts, because Julia did. I pray that anytime you see an owl or hear the word 'joy' that you think of Julia. I pray that we be bold because our God is sovereign and is  SO good. 

#celebratejulia 

If you were unable to make it to Julia's celebration, here is the link to watch it online. 

http://vimeo.com/gwinnettchurch/review/72773293/c3db5141c4

on earth as it is in heaven.

I think I could argue with anyone and win in a heartbeat that I have the world's best friends. Sure, everyone says it. But there's no way everyone can mean it the way I do. Seriously. I am one lucky girl. And I say this because I think about the people who instantly come to mind when I'm reaching for my phone. The cool thing is it's always a different person depending on what I'm seeking. I have a different person that I can go to if I'm needing advice, if I need to be calmed down, if I need a few bucks (shoutout to daddy), if I need a good laugh, or if I need someone to encourage me. What it boils down to is that I have "my people"and I use it to my advantage. If I have learned anything from the past 22 years, its that you can't do life alone. Maybe you can, but I sure as heck can't. All of my friendships were seen in a different light when I read this:

 "I want you to invest yourself wholly and deeply in friendship, God's greatest evidence of himself here on earth."

I see God in my friends and that's where I see him the most. God shows me love, compassion, generosity, and gentleness, and he does so through the people who share their time with me. And because of this, I am constantly challenged. I'm challenged to learn more from those I surround myself with, to understand them so that I can understand Him a little more. I think that we are all here to be a community with one another in order to be each others glue. We are what hold each others world together and it is up to us to keep each others world spinning when it may have stopped for someone. Or sometimes when it seems like our world is spinning out of control, we have each other to slow it down a bit, or to even pause it for a second so we can catch our breath.

As I am starting this whole new season of my life and starting over somewhere new, I am being reminded that everyone has the opportunity to to teach us something and maybe that something will turn into a connection, a spark of a new friendship. And not only do they give us the opportunity to be a friend in return, but we are given the opportunity to commune with Jesus. We are walking on sacred and holy ground every where we are. Everyone we walk up to can show us the love of Christ and because of that, we meet each other on holy ground. Doesn't it seem like some days just can't get any better? That nothing could ruin it. I can't think of a perfect day that does not include a conversation or interaction with someone I love, and usually it involves a whole group of people, not just one. That's because that simple sentence that says God's greatest evidence of himself on earth is through our relationships speaks truth beyond measure. Those perfect days are glimpses of Heaven on earth. And even the not so perfect days, the one's we could do without, are the days that we can return the favor and help someone else experience a little Heaven on earth. We are dining with the King when we are sitting around the table with the ones we love. How does it get any better than that? I am the first to forget this on a day to day basis and I go on with my life never even thinking about it. But if there is one thing I want to be challenged to do, it's to remember that relationships are the most important thing we have on this side of Heaven. I need my people. I need people to laugh and cry with. We always hear the cliche line of "God is always with you, you are never alone." And most of the time when we hear that, it isn't necessarily what we want to hear. Of course deep down, I'm not alone. But sometimes I just want someone to join me in a pity party so that I'm not on that sad dance floor alone. And that's where friends come in. When our people and community are with us, God is with us.

Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos.

Yesterday I hit a car. A parked car.

You just laughed I'm sure. And it kind of is funny, I guess, but there wasn't much to it other than I hit a car, I left a note, then we left and went about our day-consisting of taco bell...and then some McDonald's. Sue me. Okay, so I didn't really think twice about hitting the car again yesterday until I was going to sleep and I couldn't get it off my mind. What I kept replaying in my head was that my initial reaction was to blame the person whose car I hit. I blamed someone, someone who wasn't even there, for my mistake. Granted, she was parked on a yellow line but I still have two working eyes that should have seen a big silver car not even a yard away. I used a few words I regret and I am a little concerned with the fact that I never took a second to think about all of this until much much later in the day. It was clearly my fault and I would say it then, but only with a "but" following it with some remark to make it seem not as bad.

I really couldn't shake this off last night and I don't really know why to be honest because from when it happened until this point, I could care less and didn't think much about it. But then it sort of hit me. I was finally putting together what God was trying to get me to understand. It's one of those "there's a lesson learned in everything" type of situations. Other than the fact that I felt stupid for hitting a parked car and learned a lesson of looking over both shoulders when backing out, I didn't even consider the possibility that I could learn something more.

But what I think I have gathered from this and what I think God is trying to hammer into my heart is that we hit things all the time. It isn't always something as ridiculous as a parked car, but it could be hurting someone's feelings or failing to do something when you know it was the right thing to do. We hit road blocks. We mess up a lot. And what I realized last night is that it is okay. It is okay that we mess up. We don't have to blame someone else or something else (like a bad parking job). We can take ownership and move on. It seems too simple and that's because it is simple. But I think the simplicity of it is what makes it hard. Its easy to blame someone else. It's easy to say things to make your wrong look a little better, and most of the time those things that are said aren't very nice. What I think got to me the most about all of this is that I realized that I have such a hard time taking ownership of some of my actions when Jesus took on the responsibility of ownership of every single one of our actions and our mess ups. How nuts. But better yet- how incredible.

So many times we hit these roadblocks and get stuck in them. We wonder why we aren't getting answers or why God isn't answering our prayers. But it comes to a point where we all need to stop waiting for something to happen and actually live out His word and go do. I don't think we are meant to sit around and just hope for the best. I have to remind myself when I hit any sort of road block and catch myself saying "Where's God?" to think "where am I?" It's a big slap in my face but its true- God is always here. I'm the one that strays. So whenever I hit my next car, you better believe that I will be there- relying on Jesus and not on someone else's faults. Someone else's faults won't be with me in heaven one day. Jesus, however, will be.

Right after it happened I asked my friend who was with me what I should do now. Typical boy who loves Taco Bell answered with "you go get a cool ranch doritos locos taco." So we did. You hit something and you move on.

If you read all of this just to find out if I ever heard from the person whose car I hit, I did. She called me and assured me that Ken Nuggent will not be notified and my bank account is safe. And at the end of it all, I made a new friend.

303 days until Thanksgiving...

11 more days until Dance Marathon. 4 months until I graduate. 2 hours until I need to be at my next meeting. It's like I am always counting down. But why? and what for? Yeah I like to be punctual but other than that am I really getting the most out of the present time if I am always counting? I don't know why this has struck me so hard lately and has made me think a lot about what I am counting towards. It's like I try to squeeze as much as I possibly can into as little time as possible. I like feeling accomplished and I like scratching things off my list. But for some reason the waking up and making a schedule for the day, better yet- the rest of my life, is kinda making me mad. And the fact that I have been getting so irritated has made me question a lot.

There are so many tiny little things that happen each day that I never even take time to notice. Beautiful things that are intended for us to take note of and to take joy from. Most of the time, I discredit so many things. I get mad that I have to take time to study for two tests that I have this week. But when I get to the heart of it and actually think about it in a different sense other than my selfishness, I get mad at myself for getting irritated in the first place. I am LUCKY that I get to take these tests. Yeah I think I'm weird for saying that too but think about it. How cool is it that we have a brain that can even comprehend half of the things that we learn in school. Now I am by no means a genius and there are plenty of things we are 'supposed' to learn in school that I just mentally can't. But the fact that my brain is going through so many chemical processes right now just for me to type this is beyond my level of comprehension. It's a miracle, there really isn't any other way to describe it. I did absolutely nothing to make my brain be able to do those things. Nor did I do anything to deserve it. It's things like that that I never even take a second to be thankful for.

I guess what it boils down to is being thankful for yesterday and the things I learned. There are things I would do differently and for that I am grateful. I get to learn to be better. I am thankful for today for being able to try and be that better person. So why keep counting down the days when I should be busy counting my blessings? I know I'm kind of rambling but I just get so bogged down with the lists and the schedules and the meetings that it is so easy to forget about the millions of miracles going on each second. I just wish it wasn't something that I had to consciously make myself think of to be thankful for. I want to be able to do it like it's second nature. Because really those miracles make up who we are. I am LUCKY to be here right now. I am LUCKY to get to go to a meeting tonight and to spend time with great people. I am LUCKY that I get to worship my beautiful God by taking a test because I GET to use my knowledge that HE gave me. He didn't have to do that at all, but he did. I know you all think I am crazy for saying this because it sounds crazy to me too. I am just sick of being sick of school, so why not try and turn it around a bit and realize what we really are doing here. He gave us breath, so what do we do? We give it back to him by using turning our breathe into speech to build up others, speak his name and to do GOOD. I want every act to be me responding to the miracles he gives me. I don't want to keep counting hours until I get to do the next step in my life- I need to be taking each hour for what it is and not as a step closer to what's next.

I just got done reading a book called Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequist and if you haven't read it, I strongly encourage it. One quote that I have thought about ever since I finished was one that read "but really a lot of the people God uses to do amazing things are people who don't necessarily have it all together." Amen sister.

I am the last person to admit that I have it all together and the first to admit that I am a mess. I have nothing quite together and it's probably safe to say that it is continually falling apart. BUT- I have to remember to be THANKFUL (right Katherine Medlock?). I think that I am always trying to do these big extravagant things in my life to make sure that I am doing something amazing and that I am making a difference. But I am starting to take a different look at things and realize that it isn't about the big things and it isn't about having it all together. And thank goodness for that otherwise we would all be in trouble. I am thankful that my world is always rocked because without it I would never become better.

Tip-get a friend like I have (cough-Katherine Medlock) to always text you THANKFUL whenever you complain. It really does kinda work. Thankful for you kitty.