I haven’t written in what seems like forever (three years to be exact if you scroll down). And it’s one of my favorite things to do. So in trying to keep myself occupied today it seemed appropriate to write to you. You have no idea what you mean to me. I have been stuck in a selfish world called my own brain for a few months. I am struggling with feeling like myself, feeling like a good friend, and feeling normal. I have never felt more like a failure. I know you are reading this saying "that is far from the truth," and I know that. I am having a hard time separating the way I actually feel from the way I know I "should" feel. I am having a hard time believing truths that I know are true beyond a shadow of a doubt. I am having trouble remembering things I have said, or verses I have sent to dozens of people when they are feeling as though they are failing. I am having trouble accepting love.
But one thing that I have learned in this season more than anything is that you, my friend, are a unicorn. That sounds weird, I get it. But you are.
Not once have you told me that I need to suck it up. Not once have you told me that I need to get it together and “move on already.” When the world does nothing but shout lies at me, you are a constant reminder of truth. You remind me of the things I already know but have seemed to get lost in the jumble of anxieties and fears in my head. I have been able to work myself into a panic so strong that I thought I may actually die. I have experienced fear to a new extreme. I am in a major season of a lot of change and you know I do not deal with this well. Not even remotely. And you remind me that that’s okay. But more than that, you remind me that I am not alone.
I go back and read posts I have written in the past and I wonder who that girl is now and how do I get back to feeling that way. You have given me the freedom to be vulnerable and nothing but honest. That is hard for me. But you have given me the space to not leave anything sugar coated. When I want nothing more than to respond to you with “I’m good. I’m doing good today,” I can’t. And you don’t want me to. You let me say that I am not okay and you never make me feel weak for doing so. A friend has recently reminded me “sometimes anxiety wins. and thats okay. But mostly, you kick its ass. You’ve gotta start kicking the ass of the lies in your own brain, too. However works best for you. And tell your friends what works best for you. So that they can campaign with you for the wins.” This is everything. Because you do this for me. You will never know to the extent that this humbles me and brings me to my knees. It makes me worship my God and love Him that much more for giving me you. Thank you for embodying him for me on this earth. For meeting me where I am, just like Jesus says He will, and He does. When I am having trouble believing truth and believing that my God is for me, you are the constant reminder that He is. Because this is the refinement of me in the fire. You remind me that I don’t have to go around the fire, or run from it, but that I can go straight through it head on. It might not make sense even coming out on the other side quite yet, but I am reassured that it will be for my good.
I will be brave. I will do this.
The fact that I cannot count the amount of times I have heard "I am with you. You can do hard things" from you and from others makes me unbelievably overwhelmed with gratefulness. I want you to know that I am working on bitterness and putting it aside. That I am working on accepting the love that you give me every day. And accepting love from the Lover of my Soul. Some days I see glimpses of it again, and I feel it again so tangibly. And on the days that I don't, I am reminded that my Jesus loves me because he gave me you. I will forever be grateful, and please know that it does not go unnoticed.
You are a unicorn. Don’t ever forget that.
You are doing something good and something for the kingdom. You are helping me see Jesus when my own eyes are way too fogged over with tears to see it for myself. But you are pointing me ahead. Christ is making it very evident that he is showing up in my life by the ways you have cared for me. And I just wanted you to know I am thankful. And I can only hope and pray that one day I will be able to show you the kind of love you have showed me. I promise I will try my best.
My story is so much better and way more beautiful because of you. And I am honored that God wrote and designed my story with you apart of it. How I got so lucky, I’m not sure. But I can promise you it will be one of my favorite and first questions I ask the father when I get to heaven. Because I am beyond lucky to get to experience a little bit of heaven on earth by living in community with you. His ways are perfect. And one day it will all be simple and make sense instead of being a big confusing mess. Because we do not serve a God of confusion, but a God of perfection. And he even decided to make perfect little unicorns for my life, for this moment, and for this kingdom.
None of us are above breaking each others hearts, in fact, we are told we will. We live in an extremely broken world where brokenness is the norm. But it doesn't have to be something we accept. And because you don't accept it, I am grateful. Thank you for fighting this fight with me, and a lot of times for me because some days I just can't. Thank you for loving me the way you do, you little unicorn you.
But one thing that I have learned in this season more than anything is that you, my friend, are a unicorn. That sounds weird, I get it. But you are.
Not once have you told me that I need to suck it up. Not once have you told me that I need to get it together and “move on already.” When the world does nothing but shout lies at me, you are a constant reminder of truth. You remind me of the things I already know but have seemed to get lost in the jumble of anxieties and fears in my head. I have been able to work myself into a panic so strong that I thought I may actually die. I have experienced fear to a new extreme. I am in a major season of a lot of change and you know I do not deal with this well. Not even remotely. And you remind me that that’s okay. But more than that, you remind me that I am not alone.
I go back and read posts I have written in the past and I wonder who that girl is now and how do I get back to feeling that way. You have given me the freedom to be vulnerable and nothing but honest. That is hard for me. But you have given me the space to not leave anything sugar coated. When I want nothing more than to respond to you with “I’m good. I’m doing good today,” I can’t. And you don’t want me to. You let me say that I am not okay and you never make me feel weak for doing so. A friend has recently reminded me “sometimes anxiety wins. and thats okay. But mostly, you kick its ass. You’ve gotta start kicking the ass of the lies in your own brain, too. However works best for you. And tell your friends what works best for you. So that they can campaign with you for the wins.” This is everything. Because you do this for me. You will never know to the extent that this humbles me and brings me to my knees. It makes me worship my God and love Him that much more for giving me you. Thank you for embodying him for me on this earth. For meeting me where I am, just like Jesus says He will, and He does. When I am having trouble believing truth and believing that my God is for me, you are the constant reminder that He is. Because this is the refinement of me in the fire. You remind me that I don’t have to go around the fire, or run from it, but that I can go straight through it head on. It might not make sense even coming out on the other side quite yet, but I am reassured that it will be for my good.
I will be brave. I will do this.
The fact that I cannot count the amount of times I have heard "I am with you. You can do hard things" from you and from others makes me unbelievably overwhelmed with gratefulness. I want you to know that I am working on bitterness and putting it aside. That I am working on accepting the love that you give me every day. And accepting love from the Lover of my Soul. Some days I see glimpses of it again, and I feel it again so tangibly. And on the days that I don't, I am reminded that my Jesus loves me because he gave me you. I will forever be grateful, and please know that it does not go unnoticed.
You are a unicorn. Don’t ever forget that.
You are doing something good and something for the kingdom. You are helping me see Jesus when my own eyes are way too fogged over with tears to see it for myself. But you are pointing me ahead. Christ is making it very evident that he is showing up in my life by the ways you have cared for me. And I just wanted you to know I am thankful. And I can only hope and pray that one day I will be able to show you the kind of love you have showed me. I promise I will try my best.
My story is so much better and way more beautiful because of you. And I am honored that God wrote and designed my story with you apart of it. How I got so lucky, I’m not sure. But I can promise you it will be one of my favorite and first questions I ask the father when I get to heaven. Because I am beyond lucky to get to experience a little bit of heaven on earth by living in community with you. His ways are perfect. And one day it will all be simple and make sense instead of being a big confusing mess. Because we do not serve a God of confusion, but a God of perfection. And he even decided to make perfect little unicorns for my life, for this moment, and for this kingdom.
None of us are above breaking each others hearts, in fact, we are told we will. We live in an extremely broken world where brokenness is the norm. But it doesn't have to be something we accept. And because you don't accept it, I am grateful. Thank you for fighting this fight with me, and a lot of times for me because some days I just can't. Thank you for loving me the way you do, you little unicorn you.
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